Friday, September 25, 2009

the FEAR...

I find myself lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Only hours earlier I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes from shutting, now sleep seems like it will never come. Perhaps it is because I am alone in Denver not sure of my surroundings or just that my mind will not allow me to rest. So here on this page I will spill the thoughts circling around in my mind. Some may seem pointless, but retrieving them from my mind and writing them down just might help me find rest.

I am a failure with a capitol F. I try to be an example of Christ, but I seem to fall so shot. I cannot expect perfection. I will not beat myself up over the impossible, but try for the possible. I am a sinner. I will always be a sinner. I cannot hide in my sin. I know that I will let others down, and I will surely let myself down. Yet there is GRACE.

Lord my God, grace I need. Forgive me Father, for I KNOW what I do.

I was given a gift of beauty and peace, a gift of love and reliance. I was given a son. My heart is filled with love for this Child. I pray for him, I love him and care for him. Lord, wrap Nash in your arms of Grace, Mercy and Compassion. Lord, speak to him in Love and Truth.

Speak to me Lord in the moments of silence.

When I was younger I had a crippling fear of death. I had this feeling that I wouldn’t make it long in life. I never saw myself getting old. That fear made me worry about everything. Would I make it to graduation? Will I see my wedding day?

Then something changed. I wasn’t afraid of death. Death would only bring new life. I was to live my life with passion no matter when it would end. Fear led me to mourn a life that I hadn’t lost. I was able to see death as the beginning of a life spent in full-uninterrupted worship of my God.

Lord I am falling again…

Here I am again, in fear. Wondering, questioning, obsessing. There is so much more to have fear for. I fear for my husband, and for my child.

My fear is a lack of trust.

Lord I must trust you.

“For it is no longer I that lives, but Christ that lives in me.”