You are what you eat...

So I have been living in this here community house for 7 months, and I can not believe how fast time has gone by. I promised I would write about all the things I learned along the way and this is the first community specific thing, so I would say I am doing pretty good.

A little back story to get you all caught up...

Growing up I had a good childhood, plenty of siblings to play/fight with. My own room i could escape to to get away from the noise, and of course my stuffed dog who would listen to all my worries. There is one thing just a little different about my childhood, not so different from many children today. I rarely ate home cooked meals. I can count on one hand the amount of meals my mom would make homemade for us. Its not because she didn't love us or care about our nutrition, but she was tired. She worked all day, then came home to house dirtied by six kids and was instantly bombarded with the daunting question "what's for dinner?". Well it also didn't help that she wasn't the hugest fan of cooking, but lets not tell her I told you that. So needless to say most of my meals were whatever Kraft could put in a box or the little Hamburger helper Glove could creatively create in 5 minutes. I spent many dinners with a pizza man and with a Mr. McDonald. Unlike most families eating out for dinner wasn't a special treat, it was what we did. The nights when we were surprised by a home-cooked meal were wonderful... for a time, then there was a switch, something happened...

I became an addict... I was addicted to eating out. No longer did eating a home-cooked meal sound good, my body longed to eat out, to be filled with starch and fats and oils and salts. (sorry but its the truth) My body wanted the quick fill, the high and then the crash! I lived like this for a while not even seeing the problem. Then it began to sink in, I began to feel it. I was tired and hungry only hours after I had a huge value meal. My body lacked the nutrients it needed to sustain me. My insides were beginning its journey to a slow and painful death. I lived like this for years, unaware that the easy, fast and convenient foods I was eating were nothing more then cheap fillers.

Fast forward to now...

Moving into this community house I wasn't sure what God wanted to teach me, but I was open to anything. I knew there was a lot of change that needed to happen. I was mostly excited to live with a group of people who strived to live a life different from those around them. To be stewards of what God had given them. Right away I was shown so many new things I began to feel overwhelmed. There was a main pattern to the things I was learning. It all seemed to revolve around FOOD. Was God trying to get me to see that I had a problem? Was I so unaware that food had such a hold on me? Did I need to be brought into a place of community to learn that I leaned on food more than others? That I was so disconnected from the foods I ate that I had no clue where or how it got to my plate.

So began the slow process of CHANGE...

Living within this community I was instantly aware of the impact my choices have on this earth. Where did I shop? Do I choose to shop at an ethical company, or give a little on my ethics and get the biggest bang for my buck? Do I support my local businesses or complain that it's to inconvenient? Am i willing to profess that the human life is of upmost importance and then turn around and deny that by being naive about who makes my clothing and food? Is slavery dead?
How can I ever be the same?  The way I ate affected every area of my life. I was conditioned to not care. To not know. To be unaware of those around me. But today I am no longer unaware. I am unconditioned. The social lies that have tied me so tightly are beginning to unravel. I MUST care. I MUST make a change. I can not make anyone else change, so I will work on the one person I know who can make the change. They may go down kicking and screaming, throwing punches, or lets hope they lay down with submission and humbly accept change. I will make MYSELF change. I will be the catalyst in my own life.

I will choose to eat the foods that our bodies were designed to eat. I will care about those who put their time and energy into planting and harvesting those foods. I will stand up for those who deserve a right for humane treatment and fare wages in bringing us those foods. I will care about the health of the animals and the conditions they live in. I will care about the conditions of all...
I will begin to understand how "we are what we eat."


I am what I eat.

A few things that sparked such a huge change in me. I truly believe that God has been working on me, waiting for me to mature and be ready to understand and accept change. Living here and being roommates with such wonderful, human and earth conscience people. Also seeing things visually. Watching Food INC. was something that changed me. It opened my eyes to a world I was blind to before. If you made it to the end of this blog and I could encourage you to do one thing it would be this...

Its not just food, things in life are never black and white. We vote by each item we send down the conveyor belt. When we purchase something we are saying its OK to do the practices the companies do. Research, know your facts. We can no longer be naive.

www.betterworldshopper.com

When your mind starts to wander...

well i am here in the beauty of our Gods creation. Sitting on a porch, looking at the fall colors and wondering why God has decided to make the death of summer so beautiful? It is easy to say that all death is not as beautiful as the leaves outside your window, but perhaps the death of oneself to the renewal of ones soul is the most beautiful death.

I am in the process of dying.

Having time to sit and think and not be distracted but the normalcy of life has given me new distractions. My mind has been consumed with wandering...

This death that i am enduring, where will it take me? Who will i become?

Will i choose to take my last breath, or struggle for every last moment i have as who i am now?

i must surrender.

"let your life speak"

"Let your life speak"

One of the books i actually completed of the many i was supposed to during my greaterworks internship. Maybe because it was the shortest or because something about it just interested me more than the others. I have been thinking a lot about it lately. Most of it is a blur, but one point sticks out in my mind.

Parker J. Palmer writes about the theory that when you are first born and into your early, early childhood before the world has any say on who you "should be" you are able to see clearly the character God has created you to have.

When I first read about this idea I was a little unsure. Now that we have Nash it is truly amazing to watch and see beyond a doubt some of the characteristics that God has instilled in him.
He is bashful, and like is father he is also empathetic. His Grandparents have seen a strong will in him and easy going spirit.

It has been interesting to speak to our patents and hear stories about how we were when we were young. I would encourage you to take sometime and ask your folks how you were in your early year.

the FEAR...

I find myself lying in bed, tossing and turning, trying to fall asleep. Only hours earlier I was so tired I could hardly keep my eyes from shutting, now sleep seems like it will never come. Perhaps it is because I am alone in Denver not sure of my surroundings or just that my mind will not allow me to rest. So here on this page I will spill the thoughts circling around in my mind. Some may seem pointless, but retrieving them from my mind and writing them down just might help me find rest.

I am a failure with a capitol F. I try to be an example of Christ, but I seem to fall so shot. I cannot expect perfection. I will not beat myself up over the impossible, but try for the possible. I am a sinner. I will always be a sinner. I cannot hide in my sin. I know that I will let others down, and I will surely let myself down. Yet there is GRACE.

Lord my God, grace I need. Forgive me Father, for I KNOW what I do.

I was given a gift of beauty and peace, a gift of love and reliance. I was given a son. My heart is filled with love for this Child. I pray for him, I love him and care for him. Lord, wrap Nash in your arms of Grace, Mercy and Compassion. Lord, speak to him in Love and Truth.

Speak to me Lord in the moments of silence.

When I was younger I had a crippling fear of death. I had this feeling that I wouldn’t make it long in life. I never saw myself getting old. That fear made me worry about everything. Would I make it to graduation? Will I see my wedding day?

Then something changed. I wasn’t afraid of death. Death would only bring new life. I was to live my life with passion no matter when it would end. Fear led me to mourn a life that I hadn’t lost. I was able to see death as the beginning of a life spent in full-uninterrupted worship of my God.

Lord I am falling again…

Here I am again, in fear. Wondering, questioning, obsessing. There is so much more to have fear for. I fear for my husband, and for my child.

My fear is a lack of trust.

Lord I must trust you.

“For it is no longer I that lives, but Christ that lives in me.”

community living..

Tomorrow, the official start date of 2409 community house.

most think we are crazy, but i have always enjoyed when folks think the thing i am doing are "crazy". It helps reassure me that my life is not the norm.

Tomorrow this 4 bedroom home will be filled with six adults one infant and two dogs. It will also be filled with ideas, inspiration and hopefully an abundance of compassion.

I have always wanted to live in a community home. To be able to live with others focused on encouraging each other to live beyond themselves. To be able to downsize my own belonging and learn to share. I know this wont be easy, it might even be a little frustrating at times. Yet i believe this is the life God has called me to live. to look beyond myself, my selfish desires and for once focus on my "family". I am excited to experience growth. I am excited to learn more about my house family and share in life's joys, its sorrows and the moments of unbelief.

I will keep you all posted on this adventure. Here are a few snapshot of the family.

Hope & Zach Lien

Jake & Lizzie & Nash Ladd

Dave Berg

Lea Berg

Bama & Emery

One months lessons...

So it has been a month from the time of Nash was born. One month. I can hardly believe it. Where does the time go? I have fallen in love with this little man. He has been such a huge blessing.

Being a mom has been an interesting road. I have learned a lot. Learning to be patient has been a huge lesson for me. When you can't figure out why your child is crying and no comfort can be found, patience comes in handy. I have learned to hold my breath for a longer length of time. Those green runny poops can really do a number on your nose. I have enjoyed learning to hold a baby and take two dogs out for potty breaks. I have learned to give of myself for the greater good. I have learned to just sit and be still and admire God's creation.

This past month has been very interesting. This month has had its fare share of struggles and moments of frustration. It has had its moments where i have felt overwhelmed and inferior. this month has had many moments, but i wouldn't trade this month for anything.

I am the luckiest...

I happen to be the mother of the most beautiful child in the whole world. Sorry all other children of the world, you are still good look'n. The process started on Sunday night. While hanging out with our friends Zach and Hope, (Hope also was my birth coach) i started to feel something happening. We chose to stay up and play some games, laugh and eat nasty tasting chicken fingers. every ten minutes or so I would pause and enjoy the wonderful feeling of a contraction. After staying up until 2 am we decided to hit the hay... well try at least.

For the next 6 hours i had contraction anywhere from 2-8 minutes apart. The hospital told us to stay home until i have a contraction every two minutes for an hour... i didn't even know that was possible. Then around 8 am i gave up. I was done laying on the floor in pain, it was time for the drugs. Jake and Hope packed up the car and we headed to the hospital. Little did I know i wouldn't be getting any drugs for a WHILE longer.

Things went SLOW! I was only dilated to a 1 when i arrived so we had some work to do. I walked, I lunged, and i utilized the big ball. Then... NOTHING happened. So the doctor did some magic work and then i was at a 2 ! Around 2:00pm Monday they decided to give my a mix of meds, morphine and something I can't remember. It was supposed to help me sleep, cause lets see i hadn't slept in about 35 hours, it didn't work. I still felt the pain. The next step was to WALK and to walk a lot. Stopping every 3 minutes to have Jake, Hope or my mom press on my back with all their strength. I had pretty intense back labor. Still NOTHING changed so we decided (the doctors) that around 10pm Monday i would get another dose of morphine and hopefully fall asleep and then be induced at 6 am tuesday. So 10pm came around I got the shot (in the butt, not fun) slept about 1 hour, maybe and then every 2-3 minutes i experienced the worst pain in my life. Jake would press on my back while i held onto the bed bar and cried for it all to end. I called the nurse, told her my pain was to much. so then the drugs finally came around 12:30 am Tuesday morning. I was given an epidural ( they had to do it twice) then patosin to induce labor. I FINALLY fell asleep. Then at 3am the nurse came in to check if i have dilated any more past a 2 and when she checked she looked up and said.. 'we better call the doctor, your ready to go.' The best words i could have heard. So I waited a little while and around 3:40 am i started to push. After about two minutes they told me i needed to roll over and stop pushing, the doctor wasn't there and i was to close. So at 4:02 am the doctor walked in I pushed and at 4:05 am Little Nash Dakota Edward Ladd entered our world.
He was 7lbs and 3 oz and 20 inches long.

I was in shock... I was now a real life mother. It was beautiful! I am the luckiest lady in the whole wide world. Every moment i thank God for giving me Nash. I thank him for the opportunity to understand a little bit more the love he has for all His children. I will be forever grateful of the family I have been blessed with. I have a loving, compassionate humble husband and a baby boy who shows me the love of God.

39 1/2 weeks and counting...

I can not believe how fast the past 37 weeks have gone. It really is crazy to think that I spent almost all of my time in Pine Ridge pregnant. Oh how life goes by so fast. well not the last two weeks. I feel like I am READY to have this baby. Not just because its hot out or i can't sleep and have to pee every few minutes, because I can not wait to see what our son is going to look like. I know I am in for a HUGE surprise once the little man arrives. Perhaps a constant state of being tired?? Oh dear, that does not sound fun, but I have a feeling it will all be worth the sleepless nights in the end.

I had a check up again today.. i am on the every week plan. Its always the same thing... wait in the lobby, wait in the lab, wait in the room even longer, then continue waiting for the baby to arrive.

everything went well. Its a pretty painful exam, but i have a feeling its nothing compared to birthing a child. Bring on the meds is all I can say!

39 1/2 weeks is where I am at today... the doctor lady says I could go at any moment. I am a ticking time bomb. Look out! I have a strange feeling it is going to begin in the middle of the night, when it will be most difficult to wake Jake and have him coherent enough to drive me to the hospital... perhaps he will be fine. I awoke today with the worst Charlie Horse in my leg, rolling in pain, jake looked at me and said... "i shouldn't touch you huh?" followed by "are you sure its not contractions?"
I responded while in increased agony "I am pretty sure contractions are not in your calf muscle and if they are no one told me."

I got out of bed took a hot shower and when i returned Jake kindly said "all i could do was think about laughing at you with that charlie horse"

It shall be interesting when i have real contractions... BRING THEM ON BABY!

The beauty all around

Good morning.

Today I woke up, praise God. I don't believe I do that enough. I am blessed to wake up another day, to see the sun and I am even blessed to hear the dog barking outside nonstop.
There is beauty in everything.
I find myself easily distracted from the beauty by my emotions. Sure I am pregnant, but that is not an excuse to be crabby or out of tune with the beauty God has created around me.
It is a choice. I every morning wake up with a choice, should i waste these eyes and see only the twisted world my sinful self wants me to see or can i go beyond and see the beauty and feel it in my soul.
Daily i feel torn down. Frustrated by making the same mistakes over and over.
Yet there is beauty in forgiveness.

Oh Lord my God, what a price that was payed.

Today i will choose to be filled with peace. Today i will struggle to be the person i was created to be. Today i will strive to LOVE.

Today I will see the beauty all around.

an old entry...

Wednesday, September 26, 2007 at 11:18am


This will be an on going process...
My Christianity is a struggle
It is a battle.
My Christianity asks me to Love without thinking
To cherish each human as Gods creation.
My Christianity asks me NOT to forget those who SEEM unlike me.
But to forget myself for others.
My Christianity has changed my world
My world is humanity.
My Christianity is about my Christ.

My Christ is my savior
He has forgiven not just me, but everyone.
My Christ LOVES
The Lost
The Broken
The abused
The Hurting
The Lonely
The Addicts
The Hungry
The Naked
And how amazed I am that he LOVES me.
I am nothing with out Him, an empty soul searching for the cross.

My life will be different.
For I no longer live, but Christ that lives in me.
I am a creation of God, designed in His image. I am not forgotten. I will live without FEAR.
I will not be safe any longer. I will not run from the cities crying out from injustice, but I will become a follower that Christ calls us to become.
I will Feed the hungry.
I will clothe the naked.
I will get the thirsty something to drink.
I will open my home to the homeless.
I will SEE MY SAVIOR IN EVERYONE!

who would have guessed...

When i think about my life i am often left in sheer wonder.
How did I get here?
Almost 7 years ago... 7 years that is a heck of a long time ago, i met Jake. Jake would change my life FOREVER. When i started college I never thought about getting married. I never really thought about being in a relationship. I had the idea that I would enjoy liking guys whenever I felt like it or if i got bored. Soon after i declared relationship FREEDOM, I was introduced to Jake. Oh how my life would change.
All of a sudden i found myself staying up late, skipping class and eating endless amount of Wendy's frosty's. Our relationship had grown such depth i found myself lost in its grip.
I was the luckiest girl on earth.
I was in love... Well what i thought was love at the time.
I was infatuated.
over the next four and a half years we had ups and we had downs. We laughed and we cried. We listened and we argued.
We never stopped loving...
We continued to fall in love.
We began to learn what love is, we began treating each other with LOVE. We are learning to die to ourselves so the other may thrive. We are Loving.
Married life is amazing. Married life is not easy and a joy at every passing moment. It can be hard, frustrating and feel disappointing.
We are learning to LOVE in the midst of all those feelings.
I would never trade a single moment that i have shared with Jake.
I am one lucky girl.
I write this now with an addition to our lives growing inside of me.
I am a mother. Jake is a father.
We are a family.
I would have never guessed i would be here.

I am home again. Jake and I arrived home last week and things have been very interesting. It is strange to see so many cars and to once again know traffic as being more then three cars backed up at big batts. People are everywhere! There are pros and cons to the amount of people in the city.
I still have time, i am not working. I find myself, now with the options of stuff to do constantly trying to fill my time. Its hard to sit alone and do nothing. I am sure soon enough i will be yearning for the emptiness of a day.
I am happy to be home yet I miss being where I was.
I can hardly believe that in 8 or so weeks I will be having a baby. It is amazing to feel kicks and movements and to know that God is forming this child in His image. Oh how blessed we are.

about time...

Well I have a moment to sit down and be in front of a computer, so i better blog.

Things here in Pine Ridge are coming to an end, fast. I can hardly believe that we only have 19 days left. There is so much i will miss about this place. I will miss the family i have made and the wonderful coffee from higher ground. Yet there are things to look forward to as well.

I have been involved in many conversations with our friends the Liens about living together. Who knows where it will be. There is talk about spending a year in Hawaii living in community and being the church to people there. We have also spoke about living here on the Reservation. It is all in Gods hands. I will trust that He knows what is best and it might not be the easy road. Sometimes i get frustrated with my own selfishness, what i think is best in my life. I live my life not for myself but for God. The road i have chosen will be filled with twists and turns, bumps and bridges. I do not believe being a follower of Christ calls me to be comfortable and stagnant. I am called to live a radical unique life that only God knows the direction of.

Now that i just spill things onto this page i must end. Soon the next chapter of our life will begin, but i will not sit by and wait. I will live the life i have right now at this moment.

Pistachios and a Milk shake

I never seem to know what i am going to write about until my fingers get used to the keys and then the words begin to flow. We are back, and right now i am happy that i am not in Minneapolis. The weather here has been simply amazing. I can hardly believe it is January. Today it was 63 degrees. Ok now that i have turned into an old person by talking about the weather i should tell you i turned 25 yesterday. 25, my pastor likes to say now you are a quarter of a century old. That sure seems old, but i have always liked getting older. Will see if i say that when i am 40.

I had a good birthday, wish i could have been with all my friends and family from back home. I did though get to celebrate with great friends from Pine Ridge. One of my friends said 'hey just think next year you will be celebrating with a 7 month old.' Wow that will be a world of difference. Speaking of children, Jake and i get to find out what we are having on the 12th of February. Start your bets! I have no clue what we are having, it will be a surprise. I seem to have moments of forgetting i am even having a child, then i have moments of holy cow i am having a baby. Both are good and a little strange. I can not wait till all of our friends start having babies. That should be crazy.

Anyways, things are good, not easy but good. There are days that i want to go home, then i have days where i can't even imagine being back. Oh the good and the bad. Thanks again everyone for supporting us out here, we need you! Hope all is well and feel free to give us a call!